Start a new relationship on the right foot

In a new relationship, those first encounters determine everything. Here’s some advice to help you overcome some early faux pas, so you can start your next new relationship on the right foot!

Those first days when you've just met ‘the one’ are magical and time has come to a standstill, but is it all going as well as it could be? Behaviour specialists say that it’s during these first moments of contact that the basis of a relationship is set.

The first days of a new relationship can be overwhelming and committing to it can often mean a bit of inner turmoil or old wounds resurfacing. And so, despite ourselves, we can display some rather unhelpful behaviour… Here are a few of the more typical behaviours, what they hide and how to change them.

You give up before it’s even begun

All those terrible things that go through your mind while waiting for the next date! You think you look awful, you’re uninteresting and that they surely have better things to do than call back someone as insignificant as you. This negative energy not only affects you, but can seep through to dampen a new relationship.

Expert’s opinion: Everyone feels a bit like this sometimes. But those who feel a lot like this often suffer from an intrenched lack of self-confidence or a fear of disappointing the other person. Sat alone, that inner voice goes into overdrive, more often than not driven by negative thoughts.

Putting a stop to it: Build up your self-esteem by pinpointing those dark thoughts and refusing to think them! Get a paper and a pen; write down in one column all those thoughts such as “I’m not worthy", and in another column, your own special qualities, and those things that make you unique.

You’ve put them up on a pedestal

He's so amazing, sweet and a real gentleman. She’s just perfect, one in a million, the ideal woman... You are convinced that you are made for one another and you shout it from the rooftops.

Expert’s opinion: At the beginning of a relationship, we project all our dreams of happiness onto the other person. You don’t love the actual person, but the image you have of him or her and thus you put them up on to that pedestal. Unfortunately, after ‘illusion’ comes ‘disillusion’... And as soon as daily routine sets in, you’ll see who the person really is and be tempted to end the relationship, convinced that your dream man or woman has changed.

Putting a stop to it: Don’t get blinded by the stars and fireworks at the beginning of a relationship! Try and distinguish between what’s real and what’s in your imagination. What are her real qualities? Is he really funny or do you just laugh at everything he says? Without looking to pick out flaws to begrudge, just be aware of both good and bad points...

You’re a relationship addict

You’re prepared to do anything to win his favour. You give up your friends, change your lifestyle... nights out, films, dress sense – you let her decide everything for you. Your entire life suddenly revolves around this person.

Expert’s opinion: You’re addicted to love and you put yourself to one side, with your new partner's needs and desires far more important than yours. But at the heart of this is a real difficulty of being alone; you’ll do anything to be with someone. Unfortunately, it’s when you’re ready to do anything and everything to please the other person that you risk losing them the most, scaring them off...

Putting a stop to it: Take the risk of saying no once in a while. You have plenty of qualities that attracted your partner to you in the first place, so just be yourself and continue living your own life! Carry on with your Tango classes or Italian lessons... and stick to going out by yourself or with friends once in a while!

Once you’ve got past this initial stage of a relationship with your eyes wide open and your expectations kept reasonable, it's up to you to keep the magic alive and maintain that unique bond which brought you both together in the first place...

Catherine Maillard

Posted 18.08.2011

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See more in the dossier: Meeting Mr or Ms Right