Finding your perfect match

People who match up will make the perfect match! Except that sometimes our choices in love are ruled by the wrong reasons… Love coach Bénédicte Ann gives guidelines to help us to avoid disappointment and discover the secret of a successful match.

It is all too easy to say “the next one will be THE ONE!”… an idea questioned by love coach Bénédicte Ann. With solid experience in a dating café, where singles meet up while working on their personal development, and with 25 years of coaching behind her, Bénédicte Ann has an innovative approach to love.

Born of her careful observation and questioning, and also from her expertise and her own heart, this survival kit for the love match jungle should help us to get out of eternal singledom and join the ranks of long-term coupledom.

Making peace with your imperfect romantic past

The search for new love usually follows a break-up, recent or perhaps further back the past. According to psychiatrists, the grieving period could last anything from 3 months to 3 years and everyone has their own pace. In any case, there is a fundamental element in all this according to love coach Bénédicte Ann: “Understanding your break-up is necessary in order to get past the pain, making sure it does not rear its ugly head in the next relationship.” That could ruin everything!

The way forward: A break-up is not only painful, but can also lead to a sense of low self-esteem in most cases. To avoid feelings of betrayal, abandonment or worthlessness, change tack immediately. Bénédicte Ann suggests convincing yourself that any man who leaves you cannot possibly be right for you any more. Also tell yourself that there is a sense in all this, which might not be very clear to you now, but which you will definitely discover. This also signifies that you must a) take into consideration how much you have changed and b) move onto new things.

Taking responsibility for previous imperfect relationship failures

Secret fears, beliefs, misconceptions and many more obstacles holding you back can get in the way in your search for new love. Even more so when you have (albeit unconsciously) become expert at putting up barriers around yourself. There are many factors that can ruin the chance of meeting someone new.

Let’s begin with your feelings of deception: ‘all men are hopeless’, or ‘they’re all as useless as each other’… From being flirts and players, emotionally handicapped or just plain all-round losers, the male population is easily categorised and blamed for all your relationship woes.

The way forward: You should take responsibility for your own part in the failure of previous relationships. In reality, there are many unconscious factors that can lead a relationship to eventual catastrophe.

For instance, you could begin looking at the way your parents think. They have an attitude that ‘men are unfaithful’ and you reinforce this belief by giving your heart away to unfaithful men. Sometimes, you might similar character traits to those of your parents in your other half, but to look for the stern attitude of your father or the soft approach of your mother means you will not have much chance of building an adult relationship with the person as they are.

Living in relationships’ imperfect reality

Relationship rules have changed, no doubt about it! To ingrained ancestral female wounds from the days of male supremacy, new more personal injuries are added: a disastrous ‘first-time’, abuse of power, incomprehension and feelings of rejection. And the result?

Our behaviour emerges as sometimes contradictory, between schoolgirl dreams of romance, liberated sexuality and a more or less assumed sense of motherhood. These messages are confusing for men and reassure them that women really are ‘complicated’. In the end, we women can even frighten them off.

The way forward: It is absolutely essential that you adjust yourself to the idea of a new reality in the man/woman dynamic. Prince Charming exists, but not in the form we that have come to expect. You’ll also need to get past a few internal obstacles this time round! Instead of asking for the impossible, begin by lowering your guard so that you do not get them on the defensive and you can show yourself as you really are. Men are not infallible, and neither are you.

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Catherine Maillard

Posted 06.07.2011

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