Rekindling desire

A subtle alchemy, sexual love speaks to the wishes, fantasies and desires of both partners... But over time, the “sexual spark” can gradually wane without obvious warning. What can you do to get back a bit of that burning desire?

The first piece of advice is to not panic -  a dip in desire is often a temporary problem that could disappear as quickly as it appeared.  Put things into perspective and don’t go rushing to the counsellor (or the divorce lawyer!)... let's first look at causes and possible solutions.

Stress: a staunch enemy of desire

Ask yourself a few questions first. Your current life circumstances could be the cause of this lack of desire. Daily and repetitive stress is your first enemy. Is there anything worrying you at the moment? For example, do you have health problems, work issues or financial difficulties? Have you recently moved house, do you have family problems with your partner, children or parents?

Then try and assess how you are reacting to this lack of desire. For many men, a slump in libido can feel like an attack on their manhood.  For others, low libido can make them question their relationship. How manly you are is not measured by how many times you have sex and sexual desire does not sum up a relationship.

Love, affection, respect, self-esteem and admiration are important ingredients in the mysterious alchemy of conjugal relationships.

Women feel desire differently

There have been many extensive studies on desire and sexuality. They reveal that women claim to have sexual desire inhibition issues more often than men, but they rarely complain about them. For a woman, sex can more easily take a back seat. Women adapt easier than men to libido related problems. They find satisfaction in other parts of their lives and naturally transfer their sensuality and pleasure into their relationship with their children.

Men often have difficulty understanding this difference as their desire is something more immediate and almost totally fixed on the object of their attraction.

Desire is a two-way street

You need to be open to wanting to feel desire. In other words, you need time in your daily life to have the chance to feel it. Desire will definitely take a back seat if you get home from work with your head full of worries and/or rushing to get all the household chores done.

For sexual desire to get a look in, you need to find time just the two of you alone – an evening meal or even a week away just the two of you. Both partners being “available” in a relationship often helps to rekindle that flame.

Rediscover your partner

When a couple gets on well, gentle physical contact such as regular massage for example, can re-boost sex drive. This non-sexual practise helps to explore each other’s bodies in a different way and rebuild physical closeness. Massage helps to stimulate or reveal a less-developed form of sensuality.

If none of this helps to kickstart desire, and your relationship is suffering, you can seek professional help. Consulting a sexologist, either alone or together, can be of help. Relationship counsellors are often very useful too.

In any case, you do need to keep in mind that sexual desire in relationships does generally diminish with time. However, not all couples are the same and some see their desire last for a long time, while others find it wears out more quickly.

Perhaps the key is knowing how to keep desire burning before it actually wanes and needs to be fixed…

Dr Emmanuel Zinski

Copyright © 2010 Doctissimo

Posted 20.05.2011

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