Out of sight, out of mind?

You met him on holiday and he's the love of your life. But there's a problem: he lives 800 miles away! You've found your soul mate, but she lives on the other side of England or the world! Can love conquer distance? Is out of sight really out of mind?

What are the risks and advantages of having a relationship when you're hundreds of miles apart? Can your relationship survive when you're this far apart?

Being apart can have its advantages

Who said "out of sight, out of mind"? On the contrary, distance in a relationship can sometimes make it more stable and more intense. There are lots of advantages:

• Distance: It's an advantage because your relationship doesn't wear thin! Being apart keeps the flame burning: you're continually on the look-out for any sign of the other person and wait impatiently for letters or phone calls or for the moment when you can see them again. You're always really happy to see each other again, because you aren't close to each other all that often.

• No more routine: When you don't see each other all the time, there aren't any routines as a couple which take hold. Every time you meet up, you get the chance to rediscover a bit about each other and you never run out of things to say!

• No restrictions: You each lead your own life as a single person. If you spend the night away from home, you don't need to explain to anybody. There's no point tidying away your socks every evening either!

• No more rows: You hardly ever see the other person in a bad mood. You see each other so rarely that there's no question of spoiling everything by criticising or disagreeing. You don't have time to argue with each other and then you're so happy to see each other again.

The other side of the being apart coin

Of course, being apart doesn't just bring advantages. Some aspects of your relationship can often spoil a wonderful affair:

• Illusions: Being apart can prevent you from really getting to know your partner. You don't really know anything about his flaws when you only see him once a week. Of course, you could think that's a good thing, since he doesn't know about yours either!

• Bad habits: Although you're a couple, you might as well be single. You can easily start behaving like a confirmed bachelor. It's difficult after that to live as a couple, either with your current partner or someone else.

• A crushing absence: Distance is also synonymous with absence. Your partner isn't there when you need him or her. If you're depressed, a phone call isn't as comforting as a cuddle.

Stay in tune with your partner

In a relationship like this, it is vital to stay in tune with your partner so you don't miss any signs that they're getting fed up or feeling down. The best time to "take the temperature" of the relationship is a few hours after you've met up with each other again, once the euphoria has passed. If you get the impression that the feelings aren't as strong, perhaps it's time to consider another way of leading your life!

And don't forget that to keep the flame burning, it's important to make plans together and have short or medium term aims in common. You'll stay much closer by achieving something together in however short a time.

Get kitted out to be together while you're apart

The arrival of new technology can help you improve your relationship. Of course you are familiar with the phone. But emails let you keep in better touch more cheaply. If both of you have a computer, get yourselves a live chat software programme (such as Skype) which lets you have near instantaneous conversations.

Buying a webcam will certainly be vital and those of you who are more adventurous can invest in cybersex gadgetry. On a more serious note, remember there's always the hand-written love letter: a passionate note always goes down well!

Alain Sousa

Copyright © 2009 Doctissimo

Posted 30.06.2010

Get more on this subject…