Are they still into me?

Does the love between you still burn brightly, are they still into me? You shouldn't even have to ask. But recognising the signs that it's cooling off a little or not catching light to begin with is the best way of rekindling your passion! So be alert for the signs.

Time has stopped turning; he's there... she's there... You feel giddy when you meet. As if to prove it, behaviourists back us up: "The seeds of romance are sown from the moment you first meet." A romantic meeting always involves finding a part of you in the other person.

However, several months or years down the line, questions start to come thick and fast and with good reason. They can crop up at a crucial stage in the relationship, like should you move in together, have a baby or get married... Or quite the reverse, they can point to your relationship going off the rails. Florence Escaravage, a life-coach and founder of Love Intelligence, points out the signs, both good and bad.

You know a man's in love when...

"If a man is in love with you, be it head over heels or not, he is interested in you. He asks you thousands of questions, he wants to know everything about you and he tries to get to know you... often for as long as it lasts," says Florence Escaravage. A "brand new" lover man will put you first, even before his highly-prized job. He can surprise you too, but in a nice way, with bouquets of red roses, a weekend in Paris or chocolate truffles... Does he watch you sleeping all night long (or nearly)? Of course he does! Clearly, he knows you very well and likes you. Those are the foundations!

At Stage 2 of your relationship, he commits himself: to be precise, he wants to introduce you to his friends and family. He risks telling you about himself and continues to devote his time to you, which really makes him happy. "There's nothing romantic in this description, this is a broad outline but one which nevertheless sketches the shape of a genuine romantic relationship," explains the life-coach.

The signs that a man may not be that into you...

You've certainly taken his fancy, and your heartthrob is showing signs of interest... but he's also showing a certain tendency for cancelling your dates, or rather postponing them. It's true that he does ring you, but often at the last minute. It's just that he's really busy, you know! Something else that's annoying is that he doesn't really seem to be in tune with you, and during a meal or when you're out in the evening he can easily answer his phone or chat (far too much) with someone else. He doesn't know anything about your tastes, whether in literature or warm caresses. All of which gives you the rapid and sometimes lasting feeling that you aren't that interesting to him.

He's the rude and ill-bred type (they do exist) and tells you about his past and his exgirlfriends, his future plans too... but does not include you in them. He can appear adorable and completely hooked one minute, then cold and irritable the next. As a result, you don't know what to do any more, you feel riddled with self-doubt, and you're left hanging in the air with the feeling that the relationship isn't going anywhere...

You know a woman's in love when...

When a woman is in love, she has sparkling eyes, rosy cheeks and a radiant complexion. "She doesn't need to be the prettiest any more, or the sexiest, or the most whatever... she is just herself, and it's strangely relaxing," explains Florence Escaravage. A woman in love knows that love is a very moving, unique and delicate experience (she's right: after all, you don't keep on falling in love every five minuites) so she takes great care of it. She knows what your favourite type of chocolate is, just like she knows what shaving cream you like... Although she loves evenings out with just the two of you, she can be tempted to spend time with friends, family or colleagues... but she'll tend to talk about how happy she is with you when she's with them (even if it gets on their nerves...).

By Stage 2 of your relationship, she knows all about your flaws and she still wants the two of you to forge ahead, because love blows intolerance out of the window and opens your minds. Besides, she has undoubtedly set aside some of her own principles and these concessions are just as much proof of her love.

The signs that a woman may not be that into you...

Often driven by conflicting feelings, she can declare undying love for you and that she wants to be with you forever before then trampling all over you and going back on her word. She looks down on you, as if you stand no chance of being the chosen one, and sometimes she doesn't even bother hiding how bored she is in your company.

When you're both talking about love, she drops hints about how love often hurts, or creates scenes and makes you cry bucketfuls of tears... She also swears by poignantly romantic films like Revolutionary Road and Two Lovers, where the protagonists spend their time loving each other and then tearing each other apart. She often isn't aware of a lot of the different sides of your personality, being too busy looking at her own image in your eyes... So many signs which lead you to believe that you're having a crazy affair (with a "bitch", that's for sure)... and which in no way resemble love.

What's love got to do with it?

And where does love come into all that? The "Big Question" you need to ask yourself, once the spurious reasons relating to appearance and assets have been swept away, is to do with their personal qualities. If you fall for him because he can speak so well, or can get you lovely things (appearance and assets), or if you fall for her because she is so gorgeous or incredibly cultivated... dig a bit more deeply.

What makes them stand out from the crowd? What are their inner qualities? Do you know about them and do you like them? In short, if you love each other for who you both are and not for how you appear, you're on the right track...

Catherine Maillard

Posted 30.06.2010

ADS GOOGLE

See more in the dossier: Keeping love alive